I don’t see what I have planned for myself as a resolution, nor as a resolve to do anything in particular to improve myself, nor as a way to move forward with my life, nor my way of living. Rather I see it as a change of life, a fundamental shift in my focus, a grasping of what can be better for me. A taking hold of myself if you like. I feel it goes beyond a resolution. It comes from the core of my being. It is in fact positive action on my part to stand up and feel strong, to feel as if I am taking charge of my life again after a period of frustration, distraction and malaise. Hence the inverted commas in the title.
I began my break from alcohol yesterday. I suppose the only advantage of the New Year period is that it does provide a “natural” time and logical impetus to begin anew, so I think it was the right time for me to take action about something that has been on my mind for a long time now. If I had not grasped the nettle, so to speak, I know that within me I would feel a form of defeat, a lack of respect for myself in my inability to stand up to the bully beating me from within.
So last night was fine. The first night since God knows when that I didn’t have a drink. I was still buzzing from my decision, so there was no desire to open one or both of the cans that are all that remain of the Christmas stock. I feel exactly the same today so no worries. Bedtime was early last night ( 8.30 ! ) as I felt exhausted and I have a new Patricia Cornwell book to read. I’m looking forward to the improved sleep that one gets from the absence of alcohol in the system and last night was going well ’til one of our cats decided that 4.30 was her time to be active around the room.
Ear plugs tonight !